Tuesday, 18 September 2012

How to keep your girlfriend

Over the years I've had my fair share of absolute weirdo's. So I'm using my experience to bring you a few tips and share some horror stories!

-Don't act all cray

I once dated a guy who was was heavily into weed, at first it seemed like a casual hobby, but it kind of took over, he got kind of.. well, WEIRD! (drugs are indeed bad, kids!) He had to move out of his flat and lived with me while he looked for somewhere and that's where it really started to go downhill. He hated me going anywhere without him, and it got worse and worse, it got to a stage where I couldn't text anyone without him going mad. The noise of my phone going off used to send fear right through me. When I did go out I always had a change of clothes with me cos he wouldn't let me out of the house 'looking like such a slut' He used to get so angry and aggressive, it got to the point where it was easier to do as he wanted rather than fight it. He'd start off going down the 'poor me' route "I really miss you when you're gone please stay" but when that wouldn't work he'd get angry. 

He shook me awake one night when he'd gone through my phone and saw a text from Martin the part timer at work who had asked me what shift he was on that week, clearly this was him coming on to me and I shouldn't see him again. 

At one point he asked me not to go out and when I said I was going, he held a blade to his wrist and said "If you go, I'll do it" I laughed and said "don't be ridiculous" and went to walk out. Then he started slashing his wrists! It was surreal. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Was like something out of a film. He stopped me going out, he cancelled my internet connection so I couldn't talk to anyone, he smashed up my phone. After many many scary arguments and slowly realizing my life was getting worse and worse I eventually threw him out and never spoke to him again. Clearly this guy needed help and I would say I hope he got the help he needed but he really messed me up for a long long time.

-Don't get Jel

Another guy had terrible mood swings. He'd use his ex to make me feel crap and insecure. He'd drag me to the 'cruise' and other boring car things, mainly as he didn't have any friends to go with. He hated the relationship I had with my own friends, we had something he didn't and he couldn't handle it. He hated hearing anyone give me praise, any payrise or promotion just wasn't worth mentioning to him, it would only wind him up. He hated anyone more successful than him. 

I once told him I was booking a holiday with the girls and he said if I did he'd go away with his ex, as she was still sniffing around him and this was the one bit of ammo he had. 

He tried convincing me that my friends weren't good enough for me but when he realised I would never believe that he stated telling me I was a bad friend to them. As my self esteem had disappeared, this I believed. So I drifted apart from them. Any time I tried saying "this isn't working" he would tell me that, without him "I'd have nothing" and at the time it seemed true. He had one by one stopped me seeing pretty much everyone I knew. So I was stuck. Eventually I saw the light. I didn't need him. And when we broke up he was on the phone to me crying and saying he was sorry and that I could talk to who ever I wanted, he even offered to buy me a flat! -now who had nothing?! I ignored him, it was all too little, too late. 

-Get out of the Routine

You need to keep things interesting, in every way. It's true that if you're not doing it for her, she'll soon find someone who will. 

I got into a routine with one guy that was basically Work, Neighbours, Simpsons, Holloaks, Dinner, Bed, Repeat. On a Friday I was treated to a Dominos margarita to spice things up. Needless to say I moved on pretty sharpish. I needed someone less cheese and tomato and more Spanish sizzler if you catch my drift...

-Make effort with the Friends and Family

If you're serious about them, you need to be serious about everything that comes with them. What is Barbie without her accessories? Her friends and family are what makes her who she is. So take an interest. It will make things a hell of a lot easier in the long run, trust me. Even if her brother is a bit of a knob or her best friend is a bit of a headcase. They are who she'll go to if you have an argument and if they already think the world of you, you have some people on your side and will talk some sense into her when she's acting all crazy. You need these people on your team! They basically will do the hard work for you and tell her how brilliant you are and all you have to do is buy her some flowers, tell her to forget it and bobs your uncle, she's back in your arms.

-Take the Hint

You may have seen the film, I personally hate it but it's true, sometimes you know they're 'just not that into you' In my younger, more naive years I was seeing a guy who was engaged, naughty I know but I didn't want anything serious. But while I saw it as some fun, he decided I was better for him than she was and he left her for me. Great, not only had the initial fun and excitement been sucked out of it all, he was now getting so full on. He was always talking about marriage, living together and family holidays. One of his quotes was "come live with me, and you'll be financially secure forever" scary stuff. 

I tried giving him hints that it wasn't working. When he asked me to be his girlfriend and I told him it was too soon, and when ever he suggested dates I'd say 'we'll see' -basically I only saw him when I had nothing better to do! I stopped finding him attractive and I lost interest, it was a big old mess.

-Don't be jekyl and hyde

We all know the scene in Grease right? "Wheres the Danny I met at the beach?!" 

Right picture the scene, you're one of the lads, your life is simple, you work all week, you go out on a Friday night to the same bar every time, drink pints, do shots, take the piss out of each other, perve on women, throw up in the gutter. But then you meet this girl, you love her to bits, she's your world and you want her to be part of your life, but you don't want to leave that life behind. The simple option is to bring her along too right? You can act the same when shes there right? WRONG 

I know you want you impress your friends but when you guys are kind, lovely, adorable gentleman when we're alone but a complete dick to us in front of your friends, it's not going to go down well. You may not realise you're doing it, but believe me she does. Those nights when you're all out and she's sitting in the corner with the face on playing with her phone, its because you just told her she looked like jabba the hut to get a reaction out of your boys. They found it funny, she didn't. 

Your girlfriend knows you as the cuddly type who uses silly voices, plays around, occasionally paints her nails for her and treats her like a princess, she's going to have a shock if she sees this side of you and she'll wonder which one is the act. 

Be nice, your mates wont judge you for it, if they do they need to get used to the fact that you love this girl. They need to grow up. I'm not saying give up 'being a lad' completely, but think before you show off, ok. How do you want the night to end? A big embarrassing argument in the street all the way home, or a night of passion, waking up to a bacon sandwich and a text from your mate saying 'your bird, she's great. Well done mate' 

And after learning all these key facts, you need to remember my final and possibly most important point...

- Don't be Too nice

Now this is a tricky one, it's hard to get the right balance. Every girl wants a guy to treat her right, even if they're after 'the bad boy' but Billy Joe was right -'nice guys finish last'. Stand your ground, don't let her walk all over you, she'll respect you for it. 

I had completely lost interest in my ex and rather than being a big girl and just talking to him about it, I chose the easy option, I worked more, I went out more, then I stayed out more. I became really distant, I began talking to other guys on the phone in front of him, I used our joint account to buy dinner for me and another guy, I started coming home the next day in another guys shirt, and not once did he ask me where I'd been. I wanted (and expected!) some sort of reaction. I had lost so much respect for him. He was letting me walk all over him. A bit of jealousy is a good thing, it shows you care. Eventually I told him there was someone else and when he told me he already knew I was positive I'd made the right choice. He'd been happy enough going along with it all for an easy life. What kind of man lets a girl do that? 

So I reckon if guys followed these simple steps, the world would be a nicer place