Friday, 20 April 2018

When Good Relationships Go Bad

I’ve been in some bad relationships over the years. Some worse than others, some fizzled out because we become like brother and sister, others we just grew apart and a couple were bad news. 

I look back to a particularly bad relationship and wonder what I was doing. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I guess I’ve learnt and become a stronger person from these experiences; but I think it’s important to raise some awareness about when a relationship is a little more than ‘he’s just a useless boyfriend'. 

A lot of his behaviour I deemed ‘normal’. He was always pretty possessive, he’d  get jealous if I was out with friends. He’d make me cancel plans or pretend there was some sort of emergency so I left and came back. He’d style it out like he missed me. 

I’d be ridiculed for my choices, if I said I’d like to work somewhere or do a particular thing he’d mock me and convince me any ambition I had was silly. I eventually didn’t do anything I wanted to.

 He’d check my phone constantly, the sound of my message tone used send chills through me as it would always result in loads of questions and some kind of argument. Once he’d checked my phone when I was asleep and shook me awake to ask my a guy from work asked what shift I was doing the next day. One time he actually smashed up my phone. He did eventually buy me a new one which he turned into a ‘fun day out’ and he made out he was being extremely generous and treating me. 

If we got into an argument he’d shout and smash things, with the occasional shove or grab. He always said 'I've  never hit you' -which was true. He would ‘play’ but it would be too rough. Things like random 'dead legs’, or hard flicks with a tea towel and burns with a hot tea spoon/lighter -playful stuff that felt a bit spiteful at times. He never seem bothered if he hurt me. 

He'd try to focus on the good times to try and make sure I forgot the bad and bought me flowers/gifts constantly.


Along with my phone he hated me talking to anyone on MSN and would stand behind me watching whenever I had a chat with someone. One day I came home from work to find he had disconnected my internet. He’d called up the company and had it cut off. I can only assume this had been planned weeks in advance as these things don’t happen overnight. His ways of controlling me had become ridiculous. 

Luckily I didn’t need the internet for work like I did now, it would have caused all sorts of problems and caused me to lose out on money. I know of people that have had their door glued shut or their car tampered with by partners. If you’re going through anything like this the CICA government scheme  specialise in claiming compensation on behalf of victims of crime throughout the UK. 

It was a year after I left him that I realised it was abuse. I was watching tv and realised the story line about domestic abuse was basically what I went through. The guy abusing his wife kept her indoors, wouldn’t let her see her friends, made her feel worthless and when he said ‘I’ve never hit you’ it was a lightening bolt. Abuse doesn’t have to be physical. 

What I’m trying to stress is that if a person isn’t making you feel good for any reason, you need to leave. It is abuse and it’s not healthy.

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  1. I also had a relationship when looking back that made me realize how bad it actually was. Things you thought either you were at fault or you played down tremendously. Looking back, I don't regret the relationship; I learned loads about myself and what I deserve, but there are certain things that I won't stand for now xxx

    Melina |

    1. It definitely is something I've learnt from. I'll never be like that again

  2. I was also in a relationship like this and deemed it as normal and often blamed myself for my ex partners actions. The fear of a text message coming through that night start an argument and I started to revert into myself. It changed me at the time and I hardly recognised myself but getting away from it and moving on helped me grow.


    1. I'm sorry you went through it, it's not a nice thing to go through or even see someone else go through. It's true that you grow afterwards and get a sense of what you really deserve.

  3. "When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you" is so true for me, it took awhile for me to see how toxic it was because I'd never had any sort of healthy relationship and because the emotional abuse wasn't the clear cut examples of smashing phones or not letting me do things, it was harder to spot. Subtly bashing my friends and making me meet him - knowing I was with a friend - was a bit of that, but mostly it was manipulating me into things I didn't want to do, gaslighting me, and even threatening me after I finally stood up for myself and called him out.
    Of course now he's resorted to turning people against when someone tells you all their exs/everyone they've ever been romantically/sexually involved with is crazy run to the hills because you'll be joining the crazy ex club too.

    Thank you so much for posting this, and I'm so sorry you went though something so horrible.

    Aisling |

  4. GIRL! I'm so happy you saw your worth and ended it there. You deserve WAY more then that! I hope you're happy now weather or not you're with someone else.