I've had a couple of down days recently. I had my Grandads funeral and had to plan my sons birthday along with feeling like I hadn't done enough for him or given him enough presents. I felt like I hadn't been there for my Mum who had just lost her Dad. I wasn't spending enough time with my best friend who does so much for me. I was screaming behind a brave face.
On top of that there's been a lot of family drama. Some big and some completely unnecessary. To add to all of this we have a couple of MASSIVE worries in our little family ourselves. I don't like to share too much of my personal life but I needed to get this out.
I wonder, If you knew how bad things were for someone would you want to add to their problems?
You'd look at my social media accounts and you wouldn't know how I'm feeling. Yes I have the odd rant on Twitter but you would never know the problems that I have. You look at pictures and updates and it all looks great, from picture to picture I'm having a great time. It's what goes on between the pictures and what's happening behind the screen, that's the real stuff.
What I'm trying to say through this ramble is that you can never judge how someone is feeling on the inside. If you judge someone by their social media you are getting the tiniest glimpse in to their lives. What I post online is by no means fake, but there is so much more to what's going on in my life. I imagine it's the same for others too.
I look after my son full time, you might have noticed that my health isn't the best so some days is a huge struggle. I try to keep my health stuff fairly minimal online, nobody wants to hear about all my aches and pains!
I don't get paid for looking after my son, no benefits, no help with ridiculous prescription costs... nothing. My partner pays for everything. I'm not complaining at all, I love looking after our home and I have time to blog when my son sleeps. For doing this I don't feel entitled to anything, It's a privilege that my partner can support our family so I can be home with my son and rest where possible, I'd never ask for extra privileges on top of it.
I haven't treated myself to new clothes in months and months. Most of the clothes I wear are way too big from when I was a size or two larger, I just get on with it.
I had my hair done the other day, the first time in almost a year and it was because my roots were just ridiculous and my partner decided I needed a treat. I actually hated the thought of his money being spent on me so I went and sold a ring I never wear to pay for it. I felt terrible the whole time, that money could be spent on something worthwhile!
I'm lucky to be sent products to review on my blog, occasionally I buy the odd thing or two from Boots but long gone are the days where I impulse buy! For example the body scrub I needed the other day (to scrub off the tan I was wearing to try one for review) along with shower gel that was needed, I did research for weeks also finding vouchers online before finally passing over my (partners) money. I use O2 priority for free Cafe Nero, Tesco Reward Points and mystery shopping for meals out, I have birthday vouchers saved up for when I want a new lipstick and of course there's Boots points. I use everything available to try and keep afloat without spending any of Sam's money. I even used money from blogging and doing surveys online to buy my sons birthday presents,
It's silly I feel the need to justify this, but I feel incredibly guilty staying home while my partner works. I never ask for a thing. I never would, I'm lucky enough to spend time with my son and get help from friends and family when I'm too weak to carry him.
Where it looks like I'm in new clothes -they're actually old. My coffee was free and my haircut was cheap. It's not a glamorous life of nights out and shopping all paid for by my partner -FAR FROM IT!
So on the outside it may seem like some people have it all, but from picture to picture, blog post to blog post you don't see what's really going on. You don't see how one little comment can send someone in to a dark cloud of tears on a Saturday afternoon.
I had to go through a horrendous time last year and it was one act that could have ruined everything. I was close to breaking point as it was, suffering badly with depression, struggling with even the simplest of tasks. And if I hadn't had my family around me this one message from this girl could have ended things for me. She would never realise, to her it was just a message but to me it was the icing on the cake.
My friends and family would never have forgiven her, but it would have just been poor timing. Luckily I had help to make me stronger, but this was an act of someone not knowing the full story. She wrongly judged everything on what I put on social media.
But how can 140 characters tell you how someone is feeling on the inside?
We often hear about these kind of instances when it's too late. We hear people ask 'why did they think things were so bad?' Sometimes they are, and a little bit of compassion and understanding could actually save someone. You can't see someones face behind a screen, if you saw someone on the street crying would you add to their problems by going up to them and say 'love, your make up is a bit much today?' it is a horrible thing to do! You can't see how someone is feeling online so you need to watch what you type. Imagine your words were the ones that tipped someone over the edge -you wouldn't be able to live with yourself.
On the flip side, your kind words could save someone. Good/poor timing can make a massive difference so choose wisely, stop for a minute and be nice for gods sake!
This was a bit deep for a Sunday morning but I just needed to get this out.