Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Moments that Mattered





I've been meaning to write this post for a while, but I've been putting it off. I felt I needed to do it for closure and to help me forget, but I also knew that writing it down would get it all out again. 

When I saw She Might be Loved was running a competition with Lloyds Bank to win an iPad mini I figured this was a perfect excuse. If not a sign to just 'get on with it'. The title for the post had to be 'Moments that Mattered' and whilst this usually makes you think of a positive event like a graduation or your sons first steps (which is almost what I decided to make this post about) I thought that some moments that really matter aren't always positive, or at least they don't seem that way at the time.

You see last year was a very hard one for me. I was going through a lot. I had moved back with my parents due to our flat being covered in mould that our landlady didn't want to take responsibility for. With a 3 month old with tiny lungs I was worried for my families health. We moved into my parents, my brother kindly gave us his room for the 3 of us to live in, while our furniture took over every crevice of their house. 


During this I was suffering with depression, I was put on medication to help and advised to talk to someone about it. It took a lot but I eventually e-mailed my best friend. I hated admitting there was a problem as I always felt like I could put on a brave face so well. She replied a general 'sorry to hear that' and that's the last I heard. She had a wedding to plan so I didn't want to bother her with how I was feeling, she now lived so far from me it was hard to talk when I needed to and with such little space in the house I couldn't exactly call her in tears pouring my heart out. I just got on with it. I had another close friend who had a child herself, whether it was the depression talking or not, she made me feel like the worlds worst mother. She brought her child up so differently from how I was bringing up mine and she would judge me and make comments at every given opportunity. She would ask me to come to coffee shops with her and the kids, something I have always expressed that I hated doing. It's so out of my comfort zone and I'm constantly worried that others are judging me or my child for disturbing them. I knew it did me good to get out of the house so I would go along and often come back more deflated than I felt before I went out. With her comments and her child being allowed to shout in my sleeping baby's face I was constantly on edge. I never got to talk to her about how I was feeling due to the kids being there so I never gained anything positive from it. My family and close friends could tell when I'd seen her as I was so down and withdrawn afterwards. Eventually my doctor advised that I distance myself from who ever was making my condition worse. I confided in my best friend and along with telling me how awful this girl was and complaining about her, she said I was doing the right thing. Of course I probably should have  explained all of this to my friend but the stress of telling her everything made me extremely anxious. I was a complete coward. It's hard to tell someone something like that but it really was best for my health, at least for the time being.


Along with this there were 2 weddings which we were all bridesmaids for. Again I was feeling terrified, I was now extremely uncomfortable around anyone who wasn't my immediate family, even my partners family who are lovely to me. I couldn't let my friends down and I refused to let this illness control me. I attended hen parties, make-up and hair trials and stayed all day and night away from my child with a brave face which is the hardest thing I have ever done. I felt like I looked horrible in the dresses I wore, I felt huge but I had actually lost 2 stone in weight. I didn't want to say anything as everyone else loved how they looked and I was scared of letting it all out and admitting I had a problem. We had to do our own make-up which scared me as the stress had now badly effected my skin, I hated the thought of people looking at me or taking my picture. I just didn't want to ruin anything. To be honest the way I was feeling, nothing would have been right, I just wanted to be at home in my comfort zone of my 4 walls. 



my-struggle-with-depression


I was now so uncomfortable around everyone. I didn't want to drink as I felt it made me gain weight, plus with how ill I was getting my body couldn't handle it.

I ended up in hospital. I was very very ill. I don't want to go into too much but it was a really scary time for me. I was let out just before my best mates hen party and I made sure I went along to it. I was in a huge amount of pain and tried my hardest to put on a brave face. I could tell they were all fed up of me and thought I was putting it on. I made the effort to include myself and dance with them all, while inside I was screaming in pain. My friends barely spoke to me on the way home and when I got in the door I was doubled over in pain and in hysterical tears. I spoke to my best friend the next day and told her how I was feeling, again she blamed the friend of mine with the child and couldn't believe how she had made me feel. 

The day of wedding no2 came, by this point I had barely seen anyone in weeks. I spent 2 long days away from my family in a dress I felt huge in. We all had to match our friend who was now pregnant so it was practically a maternity dress and extremely unflattering on me. I'd made gift bags for all the bridesmaids and brought photos of us all to look at together while we all got ready. I was slightly better at this wedding as my parents were invited. Something that they were shocked at as they had never got on with my friend or her partner. They assumed it was to make up the numbers. I was just happy they were there.


I smiled through it all  and was extremely happy for the weddings to now be over. I could finally start talking about how I was feeling without adding to the stress of anyones big day.


Then it happened.
 A baby shower was being planned for the friend I was no longer talking to. I told the girls I wasn't going to be two-faced and go, they respected my decision and they went anyway. They told me they were fine with it. Especially my best mate as she understood how I felt about her making my health worse. 
This is why I was shocked a few days later when a very nasty email ended up in my inbox. It was a group e-mail between all of them, started by my best friend and it had clearly being going on a long while. It was about how much they hated me, saying she'd now had enough and wanted to be rid of me and was urging the others to feel the same. She even had the cheek to say she thought I was lying about being ill. I was devastated! Luckily my son was napping as I broke down in tears. I couldn't breathe. 

I tried calling my best mate but she wouldn't answer. Eventually she agreed to talk to me that evening. I tried my best to explain so much stuff in such a short amount of time but I just didn't know where to start. She was nice as pie and said we should meet up for dinner to talk.

It should have been just me and her but she insisted she brought along her little sidekick. This girl was a great friend of mine, the one I could totally confide in. She moved abroad during my depression so I couldn't tell her how I was feeling. Looking back it should have been her I told about the depression, not my best friend. My best friend was always nasty about her, saying she was easy to manipulate as she was so young. I admired how headstrong she was for such a young age. We had so much in common, both were the same size, loved high heels and bad reality TV. I suppose my best friend hated the natural bond we had. And she had now been turned against me like the rest. I can only assume she was laying the bait while she was abroad and with me already pretty much out of the picture (through me distancing myself) it was easy. My mum and (all of) my ex boyfriends had always said my best mate always wanted to control me, I suppose now the fact she couldn't is why she got so nasty. 

Hindsight is an amazing thing, I just couldn't see it at the time!


She had ruined my relationships with each partner I had, moving me on to someone who was better for me, then when I was fond of them she'd do the same again. She was even trying to ruin my relationship with my partners family by stirring up things that had said on faceboook or bitching about how nasty they were, this is still a problem to this day but I plan to fix it as I am certainly sticking around! 

Anyway at this meal they basically ganged up on me, said  I was a liar, they were 'done with me' and that this couldn't be fixed. I was unsure why I was even brought there, the had clearly made up their minds long before I'd even walked in. She knew about my depression, she could see how I was, (and I have since been told even my mum had messaged her asking her to help) but she used this to her advantage. She knew I was down and wanted to kick me down even further. She said she just 'thought I was over it'...
I went home afterwards after them begrudgingly saying we'd meet again in a few weeks and see how things were. I assumed it was to exclude me from the party they had not-so-secretly been planning. I wouldn't have gone anyway, they should have known that. They knew this week would be the week of my birthday. I didn't need that. So I cried half the way home, and the other half I came to my senses. I walked in the door and explained to my partner what happened, and I told him I was going to sleep on it but I was pretty sure I now had to cut all ties. My doctor had told me to distance myself from what ever was making me worse. I thought this was one person, my best friend had now made it a nice rounded group of 4. 



people-think-being-alone-is-what-makes-you-lonely-but-being-around-the-wrong-people-is-the-loneliest-thing-of-all


Now I'm not saying I'm over it. I wouldn't need to write this post if I was, I still have bitter moments when I get angry at her for treating me this way. When the people that you thought would always be there for you let you down it's a hard thing to come to terms with. But it was a moment that mattered, it changed my life for the better. I saw who these people really were and moved on, it was hard and still is. I live in the same town as them and I know I'll bump into them at some point. But I am better off without them. I have some amazingly lovely friends around me and since that day my health has got better and better. I've realised who really matter, the people who help when they see a person crumbling. I'm now around such lovely positive people that I am so thankful for. 


Last year wasn't the best but I'm going to make DAMN SURE 2014 makes up for it!






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28 comments:

  1. So brave Jenn <3.
    I hope those nasty immature excuses for friends see this one day, when they are at their lowest ebb and in need of an old friend. I would imagine anyone would be deeply embarrassed to see how disgracefully they have acted, and written down in black and white there is no escaping it.
    I know its almost impossible to see, but you really have had a lucky escape! They do not sound like the kind of people you would want to have around you, let alone your precious little boy.
    I'm proud that you have shown such strength and grace in what really is a life changing event.
    Keep your chin up, know that one day you will be okay and always be the better person.
    Karma's a bitch- as they'll soon find out!
    Katy x

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    1. Thank you so much :)
      This made me smile a lot. Onwards and upwards! xx

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  2. Glad you wrote this...good to see you get your side off your chest!

    JS x

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  3. Now I bet you feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I hope that girl is ashamed of herself; she is clearly an awful human being who needs to take a long hard look at herself. You are way better off without them all in your life. They will end up destroying each other and making themselves bitter nasty lonely people. Whereas you’ll look back on this and think god I god a lucky escape. You know you have all of us here to support you Jenn. ( Me and Dave are on your side! ) Keep your head up, onwards and upwards xxx

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    1. Thanks gorgeous! I really do feel so much better. I am lucky to have such amazing people around me now xx

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  4. What a well written and thought out post! PND/Depression is a horrendous illness to experience nevermind the added nastiness of someone who (quite clearly) doesn't understand it. You are an amazingly strong woman Jenn to share YOUR thoughts and experience on it. xxx

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    1. Thank you. That is partly why I wrote this post, I wanted to speak out and let people have a bit more understanding xx

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  5. What an awful excuse for a human being she sounds, it does sound as though you are better off without them xx

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    1. Thank you for taking the time to read this. It means a lot x

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  6. This post had me in tears. I'm sorry you had to go through all that when you were suffering with depression too. I have had problems with friends, not quite the same as this but I can empathise. Just remember you are obviously a strong person, as it took 4 of them to have to face you.

    x

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    1. Thank you. It really was tough but I'm out the other side now and feeling much better! x

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  7. Wow! Some girls (because that's what they are!) are just awful! I wish I could give you a cuddle! I think everyone how been in that situation at one time in their lives, normally at school!!
    Girls will be girls and like nothing more than to bitch about other people, but I would have thought that when they left school they would have left that behind them....obviously not!

    It's disgusting how they treated you, in a time of your life when you needed them the most! I can tell its an uphill struggle for you but you're nearly at the top! Your life most be so much better without them judging you, saying nasty childish comments to you or behind your back.
    Life is full of ups and downs, you've had some downs and now its ready for the up's!! :0) Take care my lovely, mwah xxxx

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    1. That's just it! It's like school kids! These are married women! None of this was dealt with like adults at all. Thank you for this, it's really lovely to see the support I'm getting on here and on Twitter! x

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  8. I hate girls like this...the thing to bear in mind in my experience is that girls like this always think they are right...no matter how much evidence piles up in front of them they will always have their warped views and reasons. Best to remove these people from your life and make your life easier in the long run.

    Thanks for sharing!

    Sue

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    1. Oh I'm sure they still think they're in the right. I just know I'm better off without these poisonous people in my life!

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  9. Jenn, I had this problem not so long ago. I found out that a girl I thought was one of my best friends had been bitching about me (with my ex!) and when I confronted her about it she was super apologetic and made a ton of excuses. She seemed fine for a few days after I agreed to put it behind us (against the advice of my parents and other friends) but then stopped talking to me. I had been planning a Christmas surprise trip for her until my mother shook me and told me to see sense and stop spending my time and money on this girl. By this time she had pretty much stopped speaking to me. Then she deleted me from Facebook and when I asked about it, sent me a torrent of abuse. Again, this was someone who knew that I had been extremely ill with depression, had lost someone close to me, had even been hospitalised for my illness and she used it to kick me when I was down. A year on, having deleted that message and seen sense, I am happier than I have ever been. Someone that in hindsight I can see was toxic for a long, long time finally got out of my life and everything has been better since then - not least of all my own self esteem.

    Sometimes we have to accept that there are going to be people (especially women) in our lives that are just plain nasty, and manage to delude themselves that it isn't their fault - that is a line I kept hearing! It's always best to cut them out and take care of ourselves. I can say for certain that I have never treated a friend that way and never will. I still try to give people the benefit of the doubt but now that I know I deserve good friends and positivity in my life, I find it a lot easier to distance myself from the negative ones.

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    1. It's so surprising how many people have had the same reaction. This only came to a head when I noticed I'd been deleted off social media accounts, it's a cowards way out! Glad you're happier without her, what an awful person! Giving people the benefit of the doubt is the best way to be, we never know what struggles a person is going through x

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  10. reading this post has made me angry and sad at the same time. Angry because of your so called best friend turning everyone against you and sad because feeling like that is awful. I always wonder in situations like this, how would the girl doing this to you feel if someone did it to her?

    I agree that you are better off without her and they rest of your so called friends. It's easy to cut ties with people, but not so easy making new friends. Good luck.

    It's lovely to hear that you are getting better.

    Lorilee

    http://lorileeslondon.blogspot.co.uk/

    xxx

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    1. I'm sure something will happen to her in the long run and someone will make her feel as bad as she made me feel

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  11. I've never understood how anybody could be so cruel to somebody they are supposed to be friends with. Do they never stop to think what it could be doing to somebody?
    You are definitely better off with out them, and I'm glad you are starting to get better and I hope that when you do bump into your former friends, they notice how much happier you are without them!

    xxx

    Lauren | laurenthedaydreamer.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. I don't get it either. She didn't have any friends when I met her so there should have been alarm bells there! I know how nasty she is behind the other girls backs, she's incapable of being nice to anyone.
      I'm sure they probably think I've been lying in bed crying over them since the day it happened. That's how they think!

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  12. You are so brave to write this, the same happened to me. You are stronger now though for it

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    1. I'm shocked how many people have been in the same situation. It's upsetting really!

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  13. This was an absolutely amazing post to read, I have too been in a very similar situation and it's incredible how you've bounced back from it, you're a gorgeous person, with a gorgeous family and you deserve every happiness! You write in such a beautiful way as well. I really hope there are lots more happy times ahead for you! :)
    http://www.shemightbeloved.com/ xx

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  14. You have done so well writing this post lady! Good for you, I can relate to so much of what you are saying here too, no one needs people like that in their lives, that's not friends. Your so much better off without .My ex best friend was also very controlling and nasty.. I had to cut my ties a long time ago. It's so much better without these kind of people, you deserve people who will be there no matter what! Xx

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    1. thank you! I know, moving on was tough but the best thing I ever did

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